Aunt Sarah and Sleep (again) June 27, 2008

We had the great honor of having Aunt Sarah stay at our house this past week, for a visit all the way from San Francisco. Sarah is my wonderful and amazing sister, and the perfect house guest. Whenever she leaves we always miss her sooooo much, and really feel a loss in our home. Anyway, Sarah is a wonderful Aunt and she really enjoys our kids. She can play games with Noah without getting frustrated, and there were times when Phare actually preferred her over me! We are so grateful we got to spend so much time with her, talking and laughing and playing. Phare is watching a DVD in this pic–I could NOT get her to look at me.

On other random notes, the sleep issue is still an issue. I’ve called the sleep clinic and have an appointment for Tuesday.  The ambien is knocking me out, to the point where I’m sleep talking and having conversations with Toby claiming there are little purple worker men in our room, but I’m still waking up really early and only getting six hours. I have to say I feel pretty discouraged and depressed about this, but I just keep telling myself that if I had adequate sleep I would feel better.  Sometimes I really struggle to make it through the day, feeling dizzy and nauseous due to the ambien, and of course, so exhausted.  I think often of my mom and wonder how she did it with six of us so gracefully.  After last night of five and a half hours sleep, I decided to quit ambien for now since it’s not really helping.  I’m praying every day for a break, and for rest.

Piano Recital and Sleep (mutually exclusive) June 11, 2008

Noah has been playing piano now for about a year and a half. He has gone from plunking out Rudolph by ear to being able to play a complex and rousing rendition of the Pink Panther. Every morning while we make lunches, breakfast, and basically just manage the chaos that is involved in getting Noah off to school and keeping Phare entertained and fed, Noah finds time to play. Some of the songs he can play are beautiful and even moving, and I’m sure that the morning serenade helps start the day off right, despite the reality that I often take it for granted. Piano is not one of those painful instruments that kids decide to take up, like violin or saxophone, but I do remember moments at the beginning where I thought I would lose my mind. There were even times when I had to say “enough piano now.” This past Sunday watching Noah play in his recital brought me to tears. He was so relaxed, like a jazz pianist at a club, not one note out of place in the Pink Panther, and looking so grown up and mature. I vowed to try and appreciate every morning from now on, because soon they will be gone and I will give anything to hear Rudolph again. I’m so proud of him, and proud that he is mine.

On another unrelated note, I did go to the psychiatry clinic at Dartmouth on Tuesday, which overall was a waste of time. The psychologist I saw did not impress me in the least, but the doctor who writes prescriptions did. He asked me a ton of questions, like “do you hear voices or see things?” I was tempted to mess with him but refrained. We decided together that the best option for now is to address the sleep issue, since I seem in tact and my issues are most likely being caused by the severe insomnia. Last night I took my first Ambien and slept for about seven and a half hours, only waking briefly once. I can’t desribe what a dream this was. I think this is going to be great and I feel encouraged. Today was a good day, but it will take time for me to catch up. I’m happy with myself for making this decision, because ultimately I realize that not getting sleep and feeling like this is putting me and baby and family more at risk than a temporary sleep aid. My only regret is not getting help sooner but I’m not sure I understood how bad off I was. Anyway, thanks for your encouragement and love, and non-judgmental attitudes. It means so much to me.

Miracles Do Happen June 6, 2008

It has been my experience that when I reach my lowest of lows, God hears me, and He brings a little relief. Last night my bug bites did not bother me at all. I slept for seven hours in a row, without waking up for even a moment, which has not happened since before Phare was born. Also a bonus–Phare slept in until 6:30! She is usually up at 5:30. These are small things that go such a long way to helping you face your day. She also took a two hour morning nap until 11, which backfired into no afternoon nap, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers.

Last night before bed Toby and I were talking (well, mainly I was crying) and it became clear that I need some outside help. This is very hard to admit when there is so much in life to look forward to, to live for. I also feel like a failure, because my life is good in so many ways, and yet feels so hard, and I especially don’t want to put drugs into my body that could hurt the baby. Yet I have reached a point where the alternative is not any better. I believe my depression is being caused by two major things that are out of my control–hormones and sleep deprivation. The sleep issue has been going on for a year now, and well, the pregnant – then – breastfeeding – then – pregnant – again hormones for close to two years. So, I have an appointment next week at the hospital for an evaluation and will find out then which drugs are safe for me, if I choose to go that route. I hope this will only be temporary, just enough time to help me out of this pit I am often in.

I do feel so grateful for my friends and family who support me so much, and especially for my husband Toby who I simply could not live without. I’m also blessed to wake up every morning to two loving children, both of which want hugs! Best of all I know God will love me no matter how ugly or messy I am, and He remains with me in my darkest hours. I am never really alone.

This Makes Me Smile

Black Fly Hell and Other Things June 5, 2008

For the past two nights I have been up for much of the night, desperately scratching the numerous bites I have on my body. The worst places are on my feet. Nothing has been spared–tops of toes, ankles, you name it. This kind of itching reminds me of the one time I had poison ivy. I remember then just crying in desperation for the itching to stop. The best relief came from dipping my hands into a cooler of ice. So far the gels and creams are not doing the trick. Needless to say, my average amount of sleep over the past week has been about 5.5 hours. I’m not doing well. I feel depressed, cry a lot, and wonder how in the world I will make it through the day with a baby who is sick, not napping, and is just all around miserable. I know things will get better at some point, but right now life feels so hard. My perspective is whacked out because of severe sleep deprivation which I honestly do not know how to cure. I’ve even been to the sleep clinic at a local hospital, and if they can’t help me, who can? Could it be due to the fact that I have been a case of constant whacked out hormones since September of 2006? This is not to mention the pregnancy, which overall has been going super until the sharp shooting, constant hip pain of late. Anyway, if you know of any good bug sprays that do not contain deet and actually work, I would love to hear about them!

There are good things to report too. We had a great time in Maine with my brother Josh, his wife Jill, and their two girls. Maine is so beautiful! We took lots of walks, picnicked, ate lots of seafood (including a lobster dinner we made ourselves), and played Settlers of Catan until too late at night–very addicting! I feel blessed we had so much quality time with Josh and Jill, who were out visiting from California.

Elizah, Hazel, and Phare

Toby, Josh, Phare, Hazel

On Top Of Cadillac Mountain–Highest on Eastern Seaboard

All Of Us On A Picnic By The Ocean

Another good thing was Phare’s birthday party last Sunday. We had about 35 people over for a barbecue and some rousing games of soccer. Our friends and family brought some delicious drinks and salads to share, and we all had a great time watching Phare dig into her first chocolate cupcake–what a riot! Thank you to everyone who came and made the evening very special and memorable!

Nana And All Her Grandchildren

Left to Right–Elizah, Jude, Luke, Ariadne, Noah

Phare and Hazel

A Belated Birthday June 3, 2008

I’m embarrassed that I forgot to post a special birthday salute to my nephew Connor Deitrich, who turned 11 on May 31st! In all the hustle and bustle of Phare’s birthday I simply forgot. Connor, I’m sorry! Anyway, Connor is a very special young man who is growing up fast. He is honest and kind and always willing to be helpful. I wish we could see him more often! Lots of love and birthday wishes to you Connor! You are very special to us!