Georgia July 17, 2008

Sorry it has been so long, but we’ve had a picture issue, trying to move stuff elsewhere and now I feel and am completely ignorant. However, I just realized that some pictures were left on the camera and that I can handle!

Vacation

We had a nice time at the lake house in Georgia, with many of the Deitrich clan. Lots of swimming, reading, puzzles, not much sleep, eating, and just lounging around. One of the nicest parts for me was having some extra help with Phare, who decided at 5:15 am wake up time was very appropriate for vacation. Toby was husband of the year, getting up with her and playing and just doing it all, basically. We are very grateful to Grammie Sue and Papa Wayne for hosting us and taking such good care of us. Thank you! Noah and the older cousins, Connor and Sam, stayed on for a week alone with Wayne and Sue, a new adventure called Cousins Camp. They had a great time swimming, hiking, riding a train through some of the Blue Ridge Mountains, and just hanging out.

Shockingly the travel was not too bad, with the exception of having to sit on the plane for two hours on the return trip in order to fix an engine problem. Phare did really well for those two hours and then started losing it after take-off. She fell asleep eventually but it was rough, and sitting in the last row in front of the toilets next to an old grumpy business man didn’t help things either.

Noah is now in NC visiting his dad for the summer, and then onto Washington DC for a leadership conference. He won’t be home until August 15th! We miss him a lot around here! Here are a few pictures from our trip:

Aunt Sarah and Sleep (again) June 27, 2008

We had the great honor of having Aunt Sarah stay at our house this past week, for a visit all the way from San Francisco. Sarah is my wonderful and amazing sister, and the perfect house guest. Whenever she leaves we always miss her sooooo much, and really feel a loss in our home. Anyway, Sarah is a wonderful Aunt and she really enjoys our kids. She can play games with Noah without getting frustrated, and there were times when Phare actually preferred her over me! We are so grateful we got to spend so much time with her, talking and laughing and playing. Phare is watching a DVD in this pic–I could NOT get her to look at me.

On other random notes, the sleep issue is still an issue. I’ve called the sleep clinic and have an appointment for Tuesday.  The ambien is knocking me out, to the point where I’m sleep talking and having conversations with Toby claiming there are little purple worker men in our room, but I’m still waking up really early and only getting six hours. I have to say I feel pretty discouraged and depressed about this, but I just keep telling myself that if I had adequate sleep I would feel better.  Sometimes I really struggle to make it through the day, feeling dizzy and nauseous due to the ambien, and of course, so exhausted.  I think often of my mom and wonder how she did it with six of us so gracefully.  After last night of five and a half hours sleep, I decided to quit ambien for now since it’s not really helping.  I’m praying every day for a break, and for rest.

Piano Recital and Sleep (mutually exclusive) June 11, 2008

Noah has been playing piano now for about a year and a half. He has gone from plunking out Rudolph by ear to being able to play a complex and rousing rendition of the Pink Panther. Every morning while we make lunches, breakfast, and basically just manage the chaos that is involved in getting Noah off to school and keeping Phare entertained and fed, Noah finds time to play. Some of the songs he can play are beautiful and even moving, and I’m sure that the morning serenade helps start the day off right, despite the reality that I often take it for granted. Piano is not one of those painful instruments that kids decide to take up, like violin or saxophone, but I do remember moments at the beginning where I thought I would lose my mind. There were even times when I had to say “enough piano now.” This past Sunday watching Noah play in his recital brought me to tears. He was so relaxed, like a jazz pianist at a club, not one note out of place in the Pink Panther, and looking so grown up and mature. I vowed to try and appreciate every morning from now on, because soon they will be gone and I will give anything to hear Rudolph again. I’m so proud of him, and proud that he is mine.

On another unrelated note, I did go to the psychiatry clinic at Dartmouth on Tuesday, which overall was a waste of time. The psychologist I saw did not impress me in the least, but the doctor who writes prescriptions did. He asked me a ton of questions, like “do you hear voices or see things?” I was tempted to mess with him but refrained. We decided together that the best option for now is to address the sleep issue, since I seem in tact and my issues are most likely being caused by the severe insomnia. Last night I took my first Ambien and slept for about seven and a half hours, only waking briefly once. I can’t desribe what a dream this was. I think this is going to be great and I feel encouraged. Today was a good day, but it will take time for me to catch up. I’m happy with myself for making this decision, because ultimately I realize that not getting sleep and feeling like this is putting me and baby and family more at risk than a temporary sleep aid. My only regret is not getting help sooner but I’m not sure I understood how bad off I was. Anyway, thanks for your encouragement and love, and non-judgmental attitudes. It means so much to me.

Miracles Do Happen June 6, 2008

It has been my experience that when I reach my lowest of lows, God hears me, and He brings a little relief. Last night my bug bites did not bother me at all. I slept for seven hours in a row, without waking up for even a moment, which has not happened since before Phare was born. Also a bonus–Phare slept in until 6:30! She is usually up at 5:30. These are small things that go such a long way to helping you face your day. She also took a two hour morning nap until 11, which backfired into no afternoon nap, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers.

Last night before bed Toby and I were talking (well, mainly I was crying) and it became clear that I need some outside help. This is very hard to admit when there is so much in life to look forward to, to live for. I also feel like a failure, because my life is good in so many ways, and yet feels so hard, and I especially don’t want to put drugs into my body that could hurt the baby. Yet I have reached a point where the alternative is not any better. I believe my depression is being caused by two major things that are out of my control–hormones and sleep deprivation. The sleep issue has been going on for a year now, and well, the pregnant – then – breastfeeding – then – pregnant – again hormones for close to two years. So, I have an appointment next week at the hospital for an evaluation and will find out then which drugs are safe for me, if I choose to go that route. I hope this will only be temporary, just enough time to help me out of this pit I am often in.

I do feel so grateful for my friends and family who support me so much, and especially for my husband Toby who I simply could not live without. I’m also blessed to wake up every morning to two loving children, both of which want hugs! Best of all I know God will love me no matter how ugly or messy I am, and He remains with me in my darkest hours. I am never really alone.

This Makes Me Smile

Black Fly Hell and Other Things June 5, 2008

For the past two nights I have been up for much of the night, desperately scratching the numerous bites I have on my body. The worst places are on my feet. Nothing has been spared–tops of toes, ankles, you name it. This kind of itching reminds me of the one time I had poison ivy. I remember then just crying in desperation for the itching to stop. The best relief came from dipping my hands into a cooler of ice. So far the gels and creams are not doing the trick. Needless to say, my average amount of sleep over the past week has been about 5.5 hours. I’m not doing well. I feel depressed, cry a lot, and wonder how in the world I will make it through the day with a baby who is sick, not napping, and is just all around miserable. I know things will get better at some point, but right now life feels so hard. My perspective is whacked out because of severe sleep deprivation which I honestly do not know how to cure. I’ve even been to the sleep clinic at a local hospital, and if they can’t help me, who can? Could it be due to the fact that I have been a case of constant whacked out hormones since September of 2006? This is not to mention the pregnancy, which overall has been going super until the sharp shooting, constant hip pain of late. Anyway, if you know of any good bug sprays that do not contain deet and actually work, I would love to hear about them!

There are good things to report too. We had a great time in Maine with my brother Josh, his wife Jill, and their two girls. Maine is so beautiful! We took lots of walks, picnicked, ate lots of seafood (including a lobster dinner we made ourselves), and played Settlers of Catan until too late at night–very addicting! I feel blessed we had so much quality time with Josh and Jill, who were out visiting from California.

Elizah, Hazel, and Phare

Toby, Josh, Phare, Hazel

On Top Of Cadillac Mountain–Highest on Eastern Seaboard

All Of Us On A Picnic By The Ocean

Another good thing was Phare’s birthday party last Sunday. We had about 35 people over for a barbecue and some rousing games of soccer. Our friends and family brought some delicious drinks and salads to share, and we all had a great time watching Phare dig into her first chocolate cupcake–what a riot! Thank you to everyone who came and made the evening very special and memorable!

Nana And All Her Grandchildren

Left to Right–Elizah, Jude, Luke, Ariadne, Noah

Phare and Hazel

A Belated Birthday June 3, 2008

I’m embarrassed that I forgot to post a special birthday salute to my nephew Connor Deitrich, who turned 11 on May 31st! In all the hustle and bustle of Phare’s birthday I simply forgot. Connor, I’m sorry! Anyway, Connor is a very special young man who is growing up fast. He is honest and kind and always willing to be helpful. I wish we could see him more often! Lots of love and birthday wishes to you Connor! You are very special to us!

A Very Special Birthday May 28, 2008

Phare turned one today! We are officially celebrating this Saturday as we spent most of the day in the car driving back from a mini-vacation in Maine with Josh and Jill and kids. Not much of a way to celebrate. When I woke up this morning I simply felt in awe that a year ago today I gave birth to Phare. She has been an indescribable joy and blessing in our family. We all still fight over who gets to hold her, who gets to get her out of the car, and who gets to change the blowouts (just kidding).

Here are some of the things I really love about her:

1. She will happily approach and grab a live lobster, but decorative door wreaths scare her to death (see picture below if you doubt this).

2. She generally prefers peas over grapes (or any other fruit).

3. The way she simply faints from excitement over seeing flags and dogs.

4. Her curiosity, an inspiration for me especially.

5. The way she grabs me and hugs me after I’ve been gone, and then the very wet kiss (actually lick) I receive on the cheek.

6. How when I tell her “no” she sometimes looks at me with concern, and then smiles and starts clapping her hands (manipulative skills learned early from yours truly). Sometimes she moves on to clapping my face–not sure yet if this is hitting but it’s highly suspect behavior.

7. The way she is in the morning or after naps when she is excited you are coming to get her and she waves her arms like a bird and flaps her body like a fish out of water.

8. I love everything about her. She is truly God’s gift to us, a miracle in our lives.

Happy Birthday to my little peanut!

Black Fly Season May 15, 2008

***Viewer Discretion Advised***

I understand that most people find black flies very annoying. They follow you in groups, they bite, etc. However, I believe now that I live in my own private hell where these bugs are concerned. Last summer the evidence became quite clear when we returned home from an outing at an outdoor ice cream stand. While I love hanging out with our friends Matt and Holly, I was miserable the whole time because I knew I was getting eaten alive. I looked around, and no one else seemed as bothered as me. There was literally one point where I just wanted to run screaming to the car, tossing my ice cream with arms flailing the bugs away.

When we got home I counted over thirty bites on my body, mostly on my legs. We were really only there for maybe 20 minutes. Some people claim to be a bug repellent for others–I actually AM one. Wherever I am, they will find me, and they seem to prefer me with exponentially greater fervor.

This is only part of the problem. I also think I am very allergic. I have suspected this for quite some time now, but last night takes the cake. Toby, Phare and I went for our usual pre-dinner walk and ran into some of our neighbors, as well as the UPS guy, along the way. We all stopped and chatted for several minutes. Phare was being super flirty, cute and good, the weather was beautiful, and we miss our friends and were having a rare moment to hang out. It was supposed to be one of those spring evenings where everything is right with the world. Not so.

I took off my socks before bed and my ankle felt hot and swollen. At first I thought my socks were too tight. Then I saw the bite and prepared myself for weeks of suffering. It wasn’t until I tried to walk down the stairs this morning that I realized the bite had practically made me lame! I could barely walk! I was and still am in so much pain. I feel like the bug bit into my bone and took a piece out. As you can see below my ankle is also about twice the normal size–actually, my foot and lower leg as well. Because of the swelling, the full-on unbearable itching has not quite kicked in, but when it does it will last for two to three weeks. It will keep me up at night.

So, if you are ever here in May and June (actually, they seem to find me all summer long), please excuse my prissiness at having to move inside because of black flies.

But of course, bugs give us beautiful flowers, and the last picture is the current state of things right outside Phare’s bedroom window and our living room window–a beautiful apple tree in full bloom.

A normal ankle

(well, despite the fact that I have hideous feet from years of torture in pointe shoes)

A bitten and deformed foot/leg

Absolutely Beautiful!

Pennsylvania May 13, 2008

Sorry it has taken me so long to write again. I’ve been really busy and finding time to sit and write, and wait for pictures to load, has been near impossible.

We had a very successful trip overall, given all the things stacked against us, like two ten hour car rides in a weekend. We left around 8:30 on Friday morning, and stopped several times. My last post is whiny about the kids, but in fact I was the real problem, having to pee every half hour. This is no joke, no exaggeration. It was awful and stressful for me, because parts of 84 and 81 are quite barren. However, we managed, and there was only one moment when I had the cup ready in the back. Sorry if this is too vulgar, but there is no messing around in that sort of situation!

Phare slept a total of forty minutes the entire trip there. She only really fell apart the last ten minutes, as we approached the hotel. Wayne and Sue were there to greet us with new puppy Charlie, and seeing them was so refreshing that the day’s events seemed to melt away for me. We checked in, only to find out we had a full bed and a pull out sofa. Major bummer. Toby decided to take the floor. Still, the hotel was perfect for kids, equipped with a very nice indoor pool, ping pong table, and mini golf course, all inside one big play area with fake palms and everything! Noah was all set.

We headed to Gail’s house for take-out, and it was wonderful to finally see her. She looks great, she’s peppy, smart, and gets around just fine. I don’t know what I expected for someone who just turned ninety but not that! Being able to spend time with her was really enjoyable, and I felt so honored by how interested she was in us and really treasured my conversations with her.

On Saturday we hung out in town, drove by the house Wayne grew up in, went to an indoor market, ate crabcakes, bought candy, and just generally enjoyed ourselves. I miraculously took a nap in the afternoon while Phare slept in the playpen in Gail’s spare bedroom–I think that’s the first nap I’ve had in months! On Saturday night Wayne and Sue took everyone out for a birthday dinner for Gail, at a restaurant called the “Blue Moon Cafe”. Delicious! Thank goodness for Grammie Sue and Nancy, Wayne’s cousin. Phare adored them both and they took many turns keeping her occupied and entertained, including watching the Kentucky Derby playing on the TV at the bar. Luckily dinner was at 5pm so we generally had the run of the place. The evening was great, and afterwards we went back to Gail’s to hang out and enjoy our last moments together.

The worst part of the weekend was Sunday morning. We managed to get a new room Saturday night with a King bed and pull out, yippee!! What we didn’t know was that someone left the alarm clock on. This clock was set for 5am, the volume turned up all the way, and set to a rap/hiphop station. Needless to say, we were all up at 5am, with Phare crying in fear. I couldn’t find the snooze or off button, so it seemed to play for several hours before I found the volume button. We were all, of course, sleeping so well. It was the first morning in a long time that I haven’t woken on my own at an ungodly hour, just because I’m not a good sleeper. Figures.

It turned out to be a blessing because we left earlier and got home earlier. Phare and Noah had a great trip back, and I only cried once, mostly due to fatigue, but also a little bit of the predicted “can’t- stand- your spouse- on- long- trips” syndrome. Overall a great success and I’m so happy we went and so happy we were able to spend so much time with Gail, and Wayne and Sue.

Headin’ For The Highway May 1, 2008

Tomorrow we are heading to York, PA to visit with Toby’s grandmother, Gail Deitrich. She is turning 90 tomorrow, and we felt it was the perfect occasion to go and visit her, something we have been talking about doing for a long while now. She has never met Phare or Noah, and I have only spent a handful of hours with her in one short visit many years ago. Wayne and Sue will also be there, another major bonus to the plan!

Yes, we are driving. Yes, we will be traveling with a baby and a pre-teen (not sure which is worse). Yes, the car ride will be quite long, potentially nine or ten hours with stops. I feel optimistic, but sometimes that sort of optimism fizzles within minutes down the street your home is on, and suddenly the reality sinks in, and you can’t stand the sight of your spouse, which makes you instantly insane as you know there is nowhere to go. I’m prepared for this to happen but maybe it won’t, and Phare will sleep the whole way, and Noah won’t once ask to play the alphabet game (shouldn’t he have outgrown that by now??). By the way, playing the alphabet game in New England takes a few hours, so I have a right to complain.

I’m sure we will have stories and pictures to share of our adventure when we return, but for now here are a few fun shots to tide you over .